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Health & Fitness

Disciplining the Sensitive Child

Discipline is not just a system of enforcing compliance. In its purest form, discipline means "to teach."

Every parent is called upon to learn the art of discipline in their own way when it comes to their children. There are no guidebooks out there, that tell us how to do what’s best for our individual child in this area, nor are there any standard blueprints to follow. When it comes to the gifted or highly sensitive child it can be even more complex so I wanted to share some considerations on the subject here with you all.

First of all, what is discipline? It is not just a system to enforce compliance. In its purest form, discipline means “to teach.” It’s our set of strategies for helping our children develop their own internal self-control, self-respect, decision-making skills, impulse control, self-awareness and sense of responsibility.

When you are trying to embody the best disciplinarian example for your family, it’s important to reflect upon your own relationship with discipline. Are you going to discipline the way you were disciplined as a child because it is all that you know?  Were there problems with the way you were disciplined that you would like to explore and change? Do you assert your authority when you are angry or when you have calmed down? Do you focus on what to do or what not do? Do you agree with your spouse on your methods and if not, how are you going to bridge the inconsistencies? Do you have realistic expectations for your child’s performance or fear of losing their love and affection if you are too harsh? These are all important questions to ask yourself in the calm moments (although few), and before intervening or “disciplining” your child. In the end, you want to ask yourself how effective your chosen methods are going to be in the long run; what it will do to the evolving relationship you have with your child, and what will be the overall effects of your disciplining on their self esteem and self-confidence.

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Even with the best disciplinary course set into action, you still will likely find that your child wants to ruffle the waters and push back. Sometimes gifted or sensitive children carry a strong will NOT to comply because they are trying to demonstrate personal responsibility, independence, competence, separation, individuation and/or they are struggling to find meaning, sense, logic, validation and acceptance. They will typically do this by acting out in various ways like disrupting the flow in class; testing your limits with rules and boundaries; crying, whining, and throwing temper tantrums. Sometimes they will walk away from you mid-sentence or flat out ignore you. In extreme cases, they may damage property, verbally or physically attack, do the opposite of what you’ve asked or start to experiment with illicit things like drugs, alcohol and sex.

After exploring the issues I have laid out, here are some general guidelines that are helpful towards laying down your family’s personal value system regarding discipline. Set limits that focus on safety and security and can be expressed in as few concrete terms as possible. Then clarify them with your child and post them somewhere visible in the household. Develop rules as a family with input from all. Collaborate on the outcomes by identifying natural consequences with your child that they comprehend and have a hand in making. Discuss the rationales of these and predetermine imposed consequences in a way that allows your child to rely on a firm system with complete understanding. When you implement the techniques laid out, make sure to praise and highlight wanted behaviors and ignore unwanted ones. Be consistent, but also show flexibility and openness to listening. Set a positive example, which includes admitting when you were wrong.

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Last of all, remember that you are a prime example for your child. Model self-control and acknowledge their feelings when they do right OR wrong. Pick your battles (including those with your spouse or partner over your differing opinions.) Remember to focus on the forest rather than the trees – the big picture instead of the details. Ultimately, It is the relationship you have with your child that matters when he or she moves out to be on his or her own. Keep your eye on that ball (especially in the midst of the battle).

Dr. Dan Peters, Ph.D., is co-founder of the Summit Center, which provides psychological and educational assessments and counseling for children and adolescents, specializing in the gifted, creative, and twice-exceptional.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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